Your Pieces and Mine
by ForbiddenDreams13
Summary: It's hard watching the one you love be with somone else. It's even harder to try and pick up the pieces after the worst happens.


**This idea came to me when a friend and I were talking the other day before Christmas break. My friend is not allowed to date, and he told me how hard it is to see someone he likes and know he can't do anything. I feel for the guy, I really do. Anyway, getting onto the happier note of the fic, I give him credit for the idea.**

**Author's Notes: First person for the first time since December 20, 2008! Shocker!**

**Title: Your Pieces and Mine**

**Summary: It's hard watching the one you love be with someone else. It's even harder to try to pick up their pieces after the worst happens.**

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><p>One of the hardest things to endure was watching them kiss. They didn't do it often, but it seemed whenever they thought they were alone, by some ironic twist of fate, I would always be in the general vicinity. And seeing the blush it brought to her face when their lips touched, the sight of her melting into him was the knife in my wound. I was the only one who knew they were seeing each other, cursed with the ability of keeping a secret; they both trusted me with their vital-and my poisoned-information. Did I feel jealous? I wasn't angry at Hiei for loving Botan, and I wasn't displeased with Botan for choosing Hiei over me, but I wasn't happy. Why, I would ask myself over and over, why hadn't I been the one she chose? Why didn't she pick me? Of course, I knew the answer to that question: I had hesitated for too long. For the longest time, I held back, watching, observing, waiting for the right time to tell her of my feelings. But then again, looking back, it was obvious she'd fallen for Hiei. The way she would automatically jump to his defense, the way she would react to him, so different from other women, and the way her eyes would glow when his name fell past her lips. Hind sight is 2020, and with all that, she spelled out her affection for him, clear as day.

Whenever the group would get together, they would act as if nothing was occurring, but to the well-learned observer, it was obvious. His insults, the ones he used to give her on a daily basis, would sound more like playful taunts one expects to hear passed between lovers. His tone held next to no ice when he said her name. When their eyes would meet from across the room, the gaze shared spoke volumes that tore my heart to pieces. Depression was something I was only supposed to experience once, well actually twice, considering the near death of my mother before Yusuke's intervention, but yet here I was, falling into a deep pit of despair over a girl I was madly in love with. I couldn't stop it. Didn't even try to.

Outside of their relationship, nothing changed, except when Hiei and I would talk. He'd bring Botan up in the conversation, and I'd have to play along. I'd smile, keep my tone light, but deep within the recesses of my mind I was screaming at him to be silent. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear about his happiness when it meant being with her.

I was being selfish, I knew, but I couldn't help it. At the same time, I couldn't help but hold myself in and let Hiei prattle on. I was caught between letting her go and achieving an emotional hollowness as a result, and continuing to love her and rip a whole in my heart at the same time. Scylla and Charybdis*. I ached for her, a deep ache worse than any physical pain I had had to endure. A dark humor pervaded my brain to where I just had to laugh at my situation. I'd heard about this enough through the grapevine at school. 'Oh no, my best friend and my best girl are dating, and here I am stuck being a third wheel when all I want to do is take her and make her mine.' Clichéd occurrences like that happen all the time among young people, and whenever I would hear something of that nature, I would smile to myself and walk on, glad I'd never have to face such a thing. The woman I loved was single, and as far as I knew, she loved no one else. Shows how much I knew.

I loved everything about Botan. Her smile, her optimism, her purity. All these things and more were what attracted me to the blue haired ferry girl, and it was because of that attraction, that honest, open love that I would not let her go. Love, although fleeting and sometimes unreliable, is pure and unrestrained; it is a thing my hands should never be allowed to soil. But Botan, through small, seemingly meaningless gestures and words, gave it to me, planted it in my heart and allowed it to bloom into the brilliance that it had become- even if it was stained with sorrow now. Out of gratitude for her I would continue to love her, because as long as she could remain happy, my heart could be somewhat at ease.

It was not long after I made my decision that things started falling apart.

The playful taunts began to sound more and more like the old insults, the ice came back into his tone as her name was spoken less and less, and whenever their eyes would meet from across the room, his expression no longer spoke at the heart-wrenching volume I so hated to hear.

Of course I knew what was happening: they were falling out of love with each other. Actually, to be more precise while Botan was still deeply in love with Hiei, he held no more interest for her. I never came to know the reason. Looking back, I don't think I want to, for I'll no doubt start strangling the imbecile. Hell, I wanted to strangle him then. Afterwards, whenever he and I would converse, he would talk about how Botan was starting to become annoying again. How she was too clingy. It took all the control I could put forth not to yank out my rose whip and cut Hiei's throat. You idiot! I wanted to scream at him. You have no idea how good you have it! You have her, which is so much more than I'll ever have! I don't want to admit, it pains me to admit it, but right then and there I hated Hiei. I hated him for deciding to leave Botan. I hated him because he was going to hurt Botan; but most of all, I hated him for loving Botan.

The day of the breakup hit me in the chest with the impact of a .45mm round. I was sitting in my room, in my desk chair, reading a book when I heard the window open. I didn't bother to look; I knew who it was. Hiei hopped in and took a seat on my bed, waiting for me to acknowledge him. For a moment, I debated whether or not I should, but I began to scold myself. Why was I acting so petty? I clamped a tight lid on the other side of my mind before it could offer its plethora of over one thousand reasons as to why I should keep ignoring Hiei, and turned to greet him. The response I received was not one I expected. No "Hello", no questions about my well-being, Hiei simply blinked back at me and said;

"It's over."

At first, I didn't respond. It took me a minute to figure out what he was referring to. When the realization hit me, all I could do was stare at him. If Hiei noticed by discomfort, he didn't comment on it. He just shrugged and told me he thought I might have wanted to know. That did it. Never before had rage so completely filled me. I clenched my right hand into a fist. I glared at him, I wanted to make my anger as evident as possible.

"Why would you think that I would have wanted to know this?" I snarled. From somewhere deep in my mind, a tiny voice cautioned me against what I was doing, but I shoved it back down. I didn't care what consequences came of this. Hiei looked back at me, confusion written all over his face.

"So you wouldn't have to keep her and I a secret anymore. I noticed that whenever Yusuke and the idiot would ask you if there was something going on with Botan and me, you would get slightly flustered."

Because I would get swept up in my own feelings you fool! It had nothing to do with you! I wanted to say that to him, but the words caught in my throat. This was still my friend I was talking to. I turned my head away from him, convinced that if I took one more look at his face, wearing that look of confusion I so abhorred, I would do something regrettable. A sigh from the other side of the room alerted me that Hiei was finished with me. From out of the corner of my eye, I saw him stride up to the window and climb up onto the sill. Just before he took off however, he turned to look back at me.

"I don't understand why you're so pissed at me, but whatever."

Then, he leapt off the window and into the city. I turned back to my desk and placed my head in my hands. What just happened? I remembered my mother giving me a piece of advice from when I was younger, and first starting middle school.

"Now Suuichi, you're reaching that age where you're going to start looking at girls differently. I want you to promise me something. If you ever have a girl you like, but you have a friend who likes her too, don't you ever let her come between the two of you. Because if she does that Suuichi, she's not worth it. No girl out there is worth losing a good friend over."

Had I just done that? Had I let Botan come between Hiei and myself? No, impossible! I just... Just what? I asked myself. Just what was it that I had wanted? I sighed. Too many questions were flying through my mind; I couldn't concentrate.

A light tapping at my window tore me out of my thoughts, or lack thereof. I whipped around, wondering why Hiei had decided to come back, only to find Botan hovering outside my window, peering in with a sheepish look on her face. When her eyes caught mine, she smiled.

"Hey Kurama, mind if I come in?"

What the hell was today? Punishment from the Heavens Day? Swallowing the acidic lump of bitterness gathering in my throat, I nodded and told her it was open. She flew in and hopped off her oar, dainty feet hitting the ground without a single sound. We were silent for a few minutes, finding things to look at other than each other. After a moment, Botan cleared her throat and began to speak.

"I just came to thank you, you know, for keeping Hiei and I a secret as long as you did, but um...you...you don't have to anymore Kurama."

I nodded, seeing no reason to inform her that Hiei had already told me. Why upset her further? She fidgeted for a minute more, then summoned her oar and went towards the window.

"Um...well, thanks once again for keeping us a secret. I'm going to head back to Spirit World now.

At that announcement, my mouth jumped in front of my head. "Wait." I called after her. Botan stopped and turned back to me. Cursing my emotional slip, I tried to cover my tracks. "Erm, how long are you going to be in Spirit World?

Her eyes drifted down towards the carpet and her hands started playing with her sash. "I'm not sure. I don't want to be there for too long, but..."

"Hiei really hurt you, didn't he?"

Twin crystals of amethyst blinked up at me. I wanted to slap myself. Think before you speak fool! I scolded myself. Had I not just thought earlier of not upsetting her further? Meanwhile, Botan, unaware of my self-chastisement, looked back down at the carpet.

"Yes." she replied. Her voice reminded me of petals rusting in a bitter wind. A soft, yet heartbreaking sound. Before I could apologize for my stupidity, she started talking. "He did. I mean looking back, it was so obvious he was done with me. I had my doubts from the moment he started looking at me differently, but I laughed it off and told myself I was just being paranoid." she shook her head, "but I was being a fool. I should have listened to my instincts." She continued talking, the words flowing out like an endless reel of film. I sat there and listened as she poured out her heart to me. I give her credit, for she did not cry, but her eyes looked as if she had been horribly wounded. Of course, she had been. After ten minutes of confession, her eyes found my face once more. They were shining full of unshed tears. She smiled and turned back to the window. "I'm sorry about all this Kurama. I think I'll be staying in Spirit World for quite a while. I just...I just can't face anyone right now. I know you, Yusuke, Kuwabara, and everyone else had nothing to do with it, but I'm afraid I'll just keep seeing his face every time I look at you guys."

"And after your stay is done?" I asked. She wouldn't resign her position as our guide would she? That would be impossible! She was just as much a part of the team as I was, as anybody was.

Botan's shoulders hunched over a little bit. When she answered, her voice came out even softer than before. "I don't know. Even I can't predict the future, so I don't know if I can properly heal from this." she sniffed, "I loved Hiei. I loved him so much, but in the end, I wasn't worth anything to him. Nothing more than a burden, extra baggage he couldn't stand lugging around." Slender fingers gripped the window frame. In one motion, she hopped up into the frame, summoned oar hovering outside, waiting for her to climb on like a patient horse. She didn't turn back to me this time when she spoke.

"If I'm a burden to Hiei, then what am I to the rest of you? I'm not strong. When I try to be, I just get in the way. I'm not intelligent. I'm a clutz, a hopeless, bubbly girl who foolishly believes that everyone is worth saving. Maybe staying in Spirit World for a time will help me sort myself out and smooth over all the wrinkles. Maybe I can become someone that everyone will appreciate."

"But we like you the way you are."

Botan stiffened, "Kurama..."

"I like you the way you are." I stood from my chair and made my way over to her. "Botan, I won't deny what you just said as untrue, but I will deny that there's something wrong with being the way you are. So what if you're not strong? So what if you're not intelligent? Why isn't it good to believe everyone is worth saving?" I put my hands on her shoulders and eased her out of the window frame. Hands still on her shoulders, I made sure she was standing up and continued, "There's nothing wrong with you. Botan, you are a wonderful person. You're pure of heart and optimistic." I paused. I could feel my heart starting to flow out into my words, and what my mother had said long ago came back to me. Was I choosing Botan over Hiei? I looked at Botan. Her head was down, her shoulders slumped, and even her bouncy ponytail seemed to droop. No. I wasn't choosing one person over another. I was comforting a friend who desperately needed to hear these words. Unwrapping the restraints around my heart, I went on. "You're beautiful, and even if we don't make it obvious, we appreciate you. You've saved Keiko's life on more than one occasion, and Yusuke is so very grateful. You always try to cheer us up, you're always ready to drop everything and help us, be it with a case, or just something random. You're a vital part of this team, Botan. We need you." I tipped her head up to meet mine. Tear tracks made twin sparkling lines on her face. Crystal drops fell from her eyelashes as she tried to blink the tears away. "I need you. You're so very dear to me."

"Do you mean it?" she asked in a trembling voice.

I nodded. "I do. I rely on you more than you ever know." _I love you more than you ever know. _

A smile began spilling light back onto her face, dashing the gray fog of grief away. "Thank you Kurama, you're such a dear friend."

The last two words stung, but I didn't show it.

"You're right." she went on, "going to Spirit World would be silly. It wouldn't solve things, I'd just be running away; and besides, that wouldn't be fair to the rest of you. Hiei may have hurt me, but there's no reason for me to act selfish and petty over it. I have to be a big person and confront this. Thank you Kurama" with that, she kissed me on the cheek and proceeded to go towards the window once more. Before she left, I called out to her again.

"I hate to ask this of you, but did you mean what you said? About me being a dear friend?"

"Hm, I guess I did. It's kind of hard to explain, but now that I think about it, I don't think that we can be defined as 'friends' per se."

I cocked my head to the side. My heart began fortifying walls to block the hurt it knew was hurtling its direction. No matter what she would say, it wouldn't be the answer I wanted to hear: it wouldn't be the words, _I love you. _

"Between you and I, I feel some kind of very strong bond. One that's deepened over the course of time. I can't quite tell what it's developing into, but I know it's there. It's comforting because I feel that with this bond between us, I can tell you just about everything. I feel that as long as you're around, I can drop my guard and not be ashamed of who I am because there's someone who accepts me with an open embrace and never asks questions. This bond makes our relationship hard to define, but that's okay." she chucked, "Sounds pretty silly, huh?"

I shook my head and smiled, "No, it sounds just right, Botan."

She smiled and hopped on her oar. Before taking off, she leaned in the window. "I may see you tomorrow. I'm pretty sure that Koenma has a case he wants me to run by you guys."

"Alright. You know where and how to find us."

Botan nodded, waved, and flew off. When I felt all traces of her aura fade, I sat back down in my desk chair. All inside me fluttered a golden feeling of elation. That bond... was it...did she...was her heart trying to tell her that she loved me? I couldn't be sure. I turned and looked out the window at the space she had been occupying not a moment before. She recognized a deep bond between the two of us. Maybe, just maybe she would come to realize what it was.

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><p><strong>Any good? Sorry if Kurama was OOC in this. I tried to keep his as in-character as and angsty Kurama can be. At any rate, read and review.<strong>


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